Cevvi Minnell and Da Office Girls by H.E. Jones |
| Jane and Linda had a whacking stomp at last week's Cevvi Minnell, breaking all the codes, total beasts. Both were wearing outfits by Linda's 'Moist Ted', Peet, who herself looked a real treat in her Hesson Backslat two-strap gimmer shoes. They had gone with the usual gang: Nikki, Sam, Sal, Renahjai and Mulmobo, and started the afternoon in the traditional way: hiding in the restaurant kitchen then behind the bar, under tables, you know the form. All were farting tremendously which, as well as pumping up their tights so that they looked as if they were walking with a couple of seals for legs, gave the MC (MC Rubba Brainn that evening) a sneezing fit and a thong-stretchin’ chubby. The second the sound system pumped out the first tune they sprung from their hiding places and assumed positions for the Dance of the Cevvi Minnell, borne from an Elizabethan Court Madrigal called The Dowlings where the participants line up side by side no less than wide gap, gules on a bend argent three galthraps proper in the sinister chief point a buck’s head couped. When the music starts they turn their heads sharply to the left, clap their hands twice and start jigging on the spot. Most girls start to sweat after a minute or so and at this point and their seal-legs soften enabling them to begin the next phase of the dance, the formidable Trans Hupht-Jellicoedyne. This is a complicated set of dives and swoops, weaving about the floor like seagulls beautifully choreographed and seldom fails to amaze. At least once every evening someone falls and then we are treated to the 'Pylon' whereby the girls simply pile onto the fallen lass forming a kind of 'stack', which, at a popular 'Minnell, reaches more than four meters high. The weight of the 'stack' and the sweaty nature of the participants eventually causes the fallen girl to be spat out at like a tiddlywink disc at great speed across the floor. The idea is to balance the 'stack' in such a way as to aim the bottom girl at a chosen wall and fire her legs first. She bounces about the place ending up in a concussed heap covered in vomit. The other girls gather round clapping and whooping and farting, fun. At this point in last weeks 'Minnell Jane and Linda were way ahead of the other girls, having moved on to 'RamChant'. A stack becomes unstable when the bottom piece is removed and this can be used to the advantage of the more seasoned girls. Jane and Linda had secured a place about two thirds up the stack, a favoured height for experts in the Nikki method. This enabled them to land feet first and scamper away to the Hogger Box near the kitchen's swing doors. Like all proficient 'Minnellaz Jane and Linda had small spikes protruding from the soles of their Hesson Backslat 2Made office boots giving them good purchase on the slippery floor. Once in the Hogger Box they were able to vent their tights down to a more comfortable 27bar. The excess flatus was sent from the Hogger Box to the kitchen where the staff honked it with joy. Quite a night, however I'm rambling so to conclude, Jane and Linda ended up quivering the Fandamaan Stomp 'till 04.00h. Back at the office the next day all was smiles and winks, as it should be, with the big shoes, scraggy hair, big-arse slacks, coat, train to London Bridge, the gym at lunchtime, cat or two, boyfriend called Phil, big old legs, calls herself Ms and choc. © Henry E Jones, 2006-2010 – henryejones.com |